The Queen's Advice to Lord Zetland

Before starting for Ireland.
As Overheard and Reported by Larry Flynn, Waiter.

“See here, me lord,” sez she,
“You’ll find it hard,” sez she,
“To play yer card,” sez she,
“So I’ll give ye the tip,” sez she,

“Before ye thrip,” sez she.
“Take yer mackintoshes,” sez she,
“And yer galoshes,” sez she,
“For it’s raining there,” sez she,

“If it rains anywhere,” sez she.
“You’ll met with ovations,” sez she,
“And orations,” sez she,
“So have yer reply,” sez she,

“All cut and dhry,” sez she.
“Remark out loud,” sez she,
“Yer dreadful proud,” sez she,
“At being sent,” sez she

“To represent,” sez she,
“This glorious land,” sez she.
“I’m not too clever,” sez he,
“But I’ll do me endeavour,” sez he.

“Take a party down,” sez she
“To Punchestown,” sez she,
“And give a ball,” sez she,
“In St Patrick’s Hall,” sez she:

“Or maybe two,” sez she,
“For on mightn’t do,” sez she,
“And Merrion Square,” sez she,
“Mightn’t care,” sez she,

“To be goin’ to supper,” sez she,
“Wid the Baggot Street Upper,” sez she.
“Don’t be axin’ for ale,” sez she,
“At yer midday male,” sez she.

“Make a lot of J.P.’s,” sez she,
“‘Tis a cheap way to please,” sez she,
“And sometimes an R.M.,” sez she,
“But not many of them,” sez she.

“Then open bazaars,” sez she.
“Bless me stars,” sez he,
“That’s not much fun,” sez he,
“When alls said and done,” sez he.

“Hould on, asthore,” sez she,
“There’s a trifle more,” sez she,
“You know, I presume,” sez she,
“At the drawing room,” sez she,

“There’s many a miss,” sez she,
“You’ll have to kiss,” sez she.
“That’s not so bad,” sez he.
“Oh, ho! Yer a lad,” sez she.

“I mean for to say,” says he,
“In a fatherly way,” sez he.
“Go home, ye ould sinner,” sez she,
“I must order me dinner,” sez she.

“Remember and steer,” sez she,
“Uncommonly clear,” sez she.
“I know what you mean,” sez he,
“Betwixt and between,” sez he.

“Up wid the green,” sez he,
“And ‘God Save the Queen’,” sez he.

Prose, Poems & Parodies of Percy French, 1980, Helicon Limited, Dublin.