McBreen's Heifer

McBreen had two daughters, and each one in turn
Was offered in marriage to Jamsey O’Burn.
Now Kitty was pretty but Jane she was plain,
So to make up the differ, McBreen would explain,
He’d give the best heifer he had on the land,
As a sort of a bonus with Jane, understand.
But then Kitty would charrun a bird off a bush,
And that left the lad in a horrid non-plush.

CHORUS:
Now there’s no denyin’ Kitty was remarkably pretty,
Tho’ I can’t say the same for Jane,
But still there’s not the differ of the price of a heifer,
Between the pretty and the plain.

Entirely bothered was Jamsey O’Burn,
He thought that he’d give the schoolmaster a turn.
Sez he to wed Kitty is very good fun,
Still a heifer’s a heifer when all’s said an’ done.
A girl she might lose her good looks anyhow,
And a heifer might grow to an elegant cow.
But still there’s no price for the stock, d’ye mind,
And Jane has a face that the devil designed.

CHORUS:
Now there’s no denyin’ Kitty was remarkably pretty,
Tho’ I can’t say the same for Jane,
But still there’s not the differ of the price of a heifer,
Between the pretty and the plain.

The schoolmaster said, with a good deal of sinse,
We’ll reduce the two girls to shillin’s an pence;
Add the price of the heifer, then Jane, I’ll be bound,
Will come out the top by a couple o’ pound.
But still I’m forgettin’ that down in Glengall,
The stock is just goin’ for nothin’ at all.
So Jim thought he’d wait till the end of the year,
Till girls might be cheaper or stock might be dear.

CHORUS:
But when he came for Kitty, she was married to McVittie,
And McBlane had appropriated Jane,
So whether there’s the differ of the price of a heifer,
Is a thing that he never could explain.

French, Percy. (1980) ‘Prose, Poems & Parodies.’ Dublin, Helicon Limited